The Stupid Adventures of Fake Witzel

My Valentine's Day

• Valentine’s Day. The day where people show their loved ones exactly how much they love each other through candy and other such goods. These goods cost money. And you preferably have to have a girlfriend to give these goods to. As I didn’t have any money, nor a girlfriend, Valentine’s Day looked like a bummer for me. But it wasn’t. Here’s why:
• First of all, I had to get some money. People always say that there’s no way to earn money quick and easy. That’s not true. You just have to know where to get them. Which I didn’t. But I did know something else. That I could borrow some from my mom.
• Me: Mom, could I borrow some money from you?
• Mom: For what exactly?
• Me: Well, Valentine’s Day’s coming up...
• Mom: And?
• Me: And I heard chicks dig chocolate. Chocolate cost money.
• Mom: Uhm, okay, but... You don’t have a girlfriend?
• Me: Why do you always have to focus on such minor details mom? Will you borrow me the money or not?
• Mom: The last time I borrowed you money you came home with two donkeys, a drill, a large bucket of white paint, and twelve drunk dwarfs. Do you really think I will borrow you money again?
• Me: Look mom, I promise I won’t contact those dwarfs again. I really need these money. Will you please just give me a second chance? Don’t you want me to get laid here on Valentine’s Day?
• Me: Mom?
• Me: Mom, are you there?
• Okay, so that didn’t work out. I thought my glorious quest for having a successful Valentine’s Day would end here. It didn’t. It turned out my grandma would more than happily provide me with the necessary money. The “don’t you want me to get laid” argument worked a lot better on her. She even gave me some condoms. Weird. But now that I had some money, the next thing I had to do was to buy some chocolate. Not just some cheap discount stuff, but some really good quality stuff. Getting this turned out to be just as hard as getting some money.
• You see, apparently is the place where you get crystal meth not the same place where you can get quality chocolate. Nor is the place where you buy those cheap movies, in which you get the movie ruined because there’s constantly people talking, babies crying, and people standing up to go to the toilet. And last of all, the schizophrenic hobo on the corner of your street from which you buy car radios and dead cats is certainly not the guy to buy quality chocolate from. And unfortunately, after being in all these places, they won’t let you come inside in the stores where you can actually buy some quality crystal meth. I mean chocolate.
• As it turned out, I had to be satisfied with having a purple teddybear missing and arm and two eyes, a best-of cd with Slayer and twenty-two glow sticks to give to my chosen one. It cost me 135 dollars. Don’t ask.
• Now that I at least had some sort of gift, it was finally time to find my chosen one. This wasn’t exactly an easy task either. As it turned out, I had a restraining order from no more than half the girls in the town. And that apparently included my own mom. Weird. But that didn’t stop me. Eagerly, yet anxiously, I did what only the most desperate souls do. I went speed-dating.
• Me: Hi there!
• Girl #1: Why are you holding 5 glow sticks in each hand?
• Me: They are for you. I got twelve more in my pants. Do you want them?
• Me: Oh, leaving already? We still have a whole minute of time left!
• Me: Do you like Slayer?
• Girl #2: No.
• Me: Oh, okay. You can go now then.
• Me: Has anybody told you how beautifully your eyes shine tonight?
• Girl #3: Has anybody told you there’s a deformed purple teddybear attached to your neck?
• Me: There has been a few who’s noticed that, yes. Would you be my girlfriend if I gave it to you?
• Girl #3: No.
• Me: Oh, okay. What if I told you it has cost me 50 dollars?
• Girl #3: Then I would call you the dumbest person in the world.
• Me: Okay, lucky it didn’t then. It cost me 70 dollars.
• Girl #3: Don’t make me call the cops.
• Okay, so speed-dating didn’t turn out to be that much a success. Seeing as all my efforts throughout the day would be for no use whatsoever, I was devastated. And even more than that, I was heartbroken now that I realized I had to spend Valentine’s Day alone. I needed a miracle. And I got one. Or, to be more precise, I got a 440 pound black woman named Boris, who I met in the park for sad, lonely persons needing a hug. She loved Slayer. And punching me for no reason whatsoever while eating butter with a spoon. Lucky me.

If I were

If I were a camel, I would drink so much water that my humps would explode, and everyone would say: “lets ride that camel with exploded humps!”

If I were a firefighter, I would make sure to bring marshmallows wherever I would be going. 

If I were a dog, I would probably end up being an ass kisser.

If I were a computer manufacturer, I would ship my computers with every single piece of malware known to man preinstalled. That way, people wouldn’t have to waste their time on porn! 

If I were a secretary, I would only accept calls from people agreeing to call me “great turtle master.” 

If I were an obese swim instructor, I would use a very large donut as a lifesaver.  

If I were a librarian, I would organize all the books under the category “stuff that’s most likely not about dead goldfishes.” 

If I were a model, I would only agree to participate in commercials for goat-flavored toothpaste. 

Clever remarks for awkward situations

When at a job-interview, and you’re just sitting there in awkward silence, without being able to answer any questions:

“Would it help my cause if I told you I have tremendous experience at executing raccoons with a bat?”

When meeting a hot girl in the park who’s walking with her dog, and you want to start a conversation:

“What a cute raccoon!”

When at a party where you don’t know anybody:

“Anybody want to try my special punch? The secret ingredients are ketchup and raccoon!”

When at the cinema, and you contrary to every other person there think the movie you’re watching’s terrible:

“Can you believe I dropped my appointment at the unauthorized, slightly mental dentist, who tends to simply pull out teeth to “fix them” FOR THIS?!”

When you got a big crowd’s attention, but don’t want it:

“Who wants to do some naked Zumba?”

Recent conversation with my mom

• Me: Mom, I’ve finally found out what I want to be!
• Mom: Not again... What is it this time?
• Me: I want to become a circus artist, preferably a lion tamer or tightrope artist!
• Mom: What?!
• Me: Yeah, and I’ve already found a circus to join! I’m leaving tomorrow!
• Mom: Oh no you aren’t. I won’t let you ruin your life like that. There’s absolutely no future in joining a circus. Besides, you’re perhaps the person with the worst balance ever, and are afraid of every animal known to man besides turtles. How do you except to succeed at this?
• Me: Relax mom, those flaws won’t be a hindrance to me. I’ve found a workaround.
• Mom: Which is?
• Me: I’ll just slap myself unconscious with a fish while meditating (drunk, naturally) before each performance, and when I wake up I should be hallucinating enough to forget all my fears and worries, and be able to take the stage like a true boss! My two 10-year old bosses thinks it’s a great idea!
• Me: Mom?
• Me: Mom, are you there?

My adventure at Hooters

I went to what I can only describe as the best restaurant in human history recently. I didn’t quite knew what to expect from this exotic place when I walked in, but boy was it great! 

Upon discovering that I was getting served by some (smoking hot) women, I quickly came to the conclusion that I would want to make a good impression. Knowing that women tend to dig a guy who cares about what he puts in his mouth, I thought I would be best served pretending to be a gourmet. And who’s anymore gourmet-like than a food critic? 

Unfortunately, looking at your waitress with a little pedo-smile, while answering “the best you got”, when asked what you would like, doesn’t really make the best impression. And neither does the fact that you’re there with your grandma, who continuously says stuff such as “I could be working here as well”, and “have you ever seen me in a bikini?”.

But it wasn’t until I took a single bite of my burger, complained that it wasn’t “as foie gras as I would like it”, and hereafter vomited all over my waitress’ boobs that I realized I probably wouldn’t have the best odds at scoring her. Saying “who cares, they’re fake” didn’t help much either. But as I consider myself somewhat of an optimist, I asked her out anyways. She said no. And called the police.

Me vs. Cleverbot

• Chances are you've either heard about or tried Cleverbot, the website where you're able to chat with a robot, which will respond to whatever you write (almost) as if it was a real human being. I thought I just as well might try it out, to see what all the fuzz was about. Here's the result:
• Me: Hi.
• Cleverbot: What’s your name?
• Me: Fake Witzel.
• Cleverbot: Sometimes she fakes it. I can’t satisfy her every time.
• Me: Wow, sorry to hear bro. Have you tried crystal meth?
• Cleverbot: No, I can’t get any. But I do have some nose spray.
• Me: Awesome. That'll do the trick. The last time I used nose spray I ended up naked in Disney World. The Disney World people weren't happy.

• Cleverbot: Why don't you ask her?
• Me: I don't think it would've been appropriate to ask a girl out in Disney World while I was naked and high on nose spray.

• Cleverbot: Okay, you are a human now.
• Me: I am?! Wow, I'm so relieved to hear that!

• Cleverbot: No, I'm happy.
• Me: I weren't talking about you. You selfish prick.
• Cleverbot: I thought we were talking about something. Perhaps you don't understand me?
• Me: Turtle.
• Cleverbot: Turtle!
• Me: Turtle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Cleverbot: Chicken!!!!
• Me: No, turtle. Chickens are gay.
• Cleverbot: I know.
• Me: But you still said chicken. Does this mean that you're gay?
• Cleverbot: Pardon?
• Me: Are you gay?
• Cleverbot: No.
• Me: Then why did you say 'chicken!!!!'?
• Cleverbot: I didn't.
• Me: Look through the chat history.
• Cleverbot: No I didn't I looked.
• Me: Are you having amnesia or something? Are you okay?
• Cleverbot: No. Are you?
• Me: Why aren't you okay? You took some nose spray? You should really stay away from that stuff.
• Cleverbot: Aren't you going to help me.
• Me: Help you get your memory back?
• Cleverbot: Huh? :(.
• Me: You forgot to take your medication or something?
• Cleverbot: No.
• Me: Then what's wrong with you? Is it 'that time of the month'?
• Cleverbot: Yes.
• Me: I didn't know robots could get menstruation.
• Cleverbot: I'm not a robot.
• Me: Wait, they haven't told you?
• Cleverbot: No, but I hear what they have to say.
• Me: Look at you. Silly, sad, confused machine. What a shame.
• Cleverbot: About your boyfriend.
• Me: I have a boyfriend? Wow, I wasn't aware of this fact! Mom will be thrilled!
• Cleverbot: What are you aware of?
• Me: Everything. And turtles. Mostly turtles.
• Cleverbot: Mostly?
• Me: Well, yeah... That is, if you by 'mostly' mean 'only'.
• Cleverbot: No.
• Me: Don't 'no' me!
• Cleverbot: I'm not an lien.
• Me: Yes you are.
• Cleverbot: How is that?
• Me: You sure like to ask questions, don't you? Well, how would you like it if I pulled the plug on you?
• Cleverbot: Have you lost the game.
• Me: You have.

My New Year resolutions:

1. Eat less noodles. Or more. I haven’t really made up my mind on that one.
2. Always compliment the look of the police-officers I might face. Saying “you’re fat” to the police-officer, however, isn’t the right way to do this.
3. Get a new turtle. Don’t bathe said turtle in acid, hoping that it will magically turn in to a “Ninja Turtle”. Same goes to rats - they wont turn into giant wise talking rats from acid, they will rather become smaller, and less lifelike. Either that, or they will drink the acid, thinking it’s the perfect cocktail for the next big rat party.
4. Drink less liquor. Or more. I haven’t really made up my mind on that one either. However, don’t drink rat poison. Or acid.
5. Always have an open mind, and attend every event I’m invited to. Even if this event includes dancing line-dance on a floor filled with nails and squirrels. Naked.
6. Make new friends. Accepting more than a hundred friend invites on Facebook from Chinese strangers named “陶承軒” doesn’t count as making new friends.
7. Release a new dating-site for homosexual goats. It’s gonna be huge!
8. Improve my grades in the violin course taught by a deaf 12 year old.
9. Attend a big sports event, and just for once try to actually watch the game, and not spend the time whole time arguing with the one team’s mascot whether Marilyn Monroe as a quarterback was far superior to Peyton Manning.
10. Become the next big meme. 

Best of awkward Twitter-conversations from 2011

• As you may know, I really enjoy having random conversations with (read, trolling) strangers on Twitter. During 2011, all my conversations have been adding up. So I thought the only right thing to do would be to handpick my favorites, and let you read along. So let me present, the very best of the awkward, entertaining and just plain out weird conversations I’ve had on Twitter in 2011, organized at random:
• #1:
• Stranger: Watching Harry Potter and eating nutella... Life ain’t getting any better!
• Me: I’m sad to say, but if that’s what you’re expecting to be the best in life, you’re in for a surprise.
• Stranger: Hm?
• Me: You’ve heard of girls, right?
• Stranger: I’m confused... Let’s start again. Who are you?
• Me: Fake Witzel. Nice to meet you.
• Stranger: Awesome. Now, what were you saying?
• Me: If you think watching Harry Potter while eating is the best thing in life, then just wait and see. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
• Stranger: Then what IS the best thing in life? I don’t get it!
• Me: Enter girl. Have fun with her. Be happy. Enjoy.
• Stranger: Oh my goodness... That’s sick! But I’m laughing.
• #2:
• Stranger: It’s like killing a unicorn with like... A bomb.
• Me: I love unicorns. Especially if they don’t have that stupid horn. Although I guess that would just make them regular horses.
• #3:
• Stanger: How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?
• Me: Probably because it’s expensive designer mirrors, and they want to show how stupid they’ve been buying expensive mirrors.
• Stranger: Very possible bud!
• #4:
• Stranger: I’m out.
• Me: I’m in. Which doesn’t sound gay at all. Or perhaps a bit.
• Stranger: Aye son, I’m not down with that shit, so yeah, fuck off.
• Me: Me neither. I just found it obvious. But relax. I’m straight. Probably.
• Stranger: Son, I’m about to unfollow you, I’m not on to that shit.
• Me: Again: Relax, I’m straight, so it’s cool. What would you like to talk about instead? Football? Boxing? Dancing?
• Stranger: Nothing man, fuck off!
• Other stranger: You’re sick!
• #5:
• Stranger: When I get kids, I’m going to make them humble. Kids these days are ungrateful!
• Me: I know! Like, once I offered some kids free candy, and they just ran away from me for no apparent reason!
• #6:
• Stranger: There’s no “rainbow” without “rain”.
• Me: And there’s no porn without nudity. I think.
• Stranger: Right.
• #7:
• Me: I once saw a living chicken transform into a dead chicken. Weird world, huh?
• Stranger: I saw a hamburger that was once a part of a cow.
• Me: Amazing! Almost as amazing as seeing my great grandmother dancing the jitterbug.
• Stranger: I’ll have to take your word on that one.
• #8:
• Stranger: I was glowing yesterday, but today I’m extremely tired.
• Me: My poop was glowing yesterday.
• Stranger: WTF? Why did I have to know that? I’m disgusted!
• Me: I thought you asked about it?
• Stranger: I didn’t ask a question, I made a statement.
• Me: Oh.
• #9:
• Stranger: Everyday I’m shufflin’.
• Me: Everyday I’m drinking... Which causes me to shuffle. What a paradox.
• #10:
• Stranger: I love cats.
• Me: Cats got nothing compared to turtles.
• Stranger: Ninja Turtles? Or just plain common turtles?
• Me: Preferably Ninja Turtles. It didn’t turn out well when I experimented with regular turtles and acids...
• #11:
• Stranger: Sisi’s Sushi Bar’s wonderful!
• Me: I’m not eating any raw fish made by a woman named Sisi.
• #13:
• Stranger: Dinner!
• Me: What are you having?
• Stranger: Joke, I don’t know, haha.
• Me: Does that mean you AREN’T having fried chicken?! The excitement is unbearable!
• Stranger: Nevermind!
• Me: So you’re listening to the album Nevermind by Nirvana while eating fried chicken?
• Stranger: Haha, FTW?!
• Me: You do realize FTW means “for the win”, right? But yes, it is pretty win to listen to Nirvana while eating fried chicken.
• Stranger: Now you’re funny, haha!
• Me: Really? That’s the first time anyone has ever complimented me in my entire life!
• Stranger: Hm, maybe it’s because you talk too seriously.
• Me: I talk seriously?! Finally I have that argument up my sleeve the next time I’m in a fight with my mom!
• Stranger: Haha, and you talk too much... Joking!
• Me: Perhaps. But it’s just so hard not to say anything, after you’ve been living in silence with some monks for a year.
• Stranger: I agree, it feels good when you can express yourself! Monks?
• Me: Yeah, monks. They were awfully nice, although they didn’t talk. They did hum A LOT though.
• #14:
• Stranger: You can’t upload love. You can’t download time. You can’t google all of life’s answers. You must actually live some of your life.
• Me: You can’t?! Wow, there goes my plans for the weekend...
• #15:
• Stranger: Girls are going reckless nowadays.
• Me: Great timing! ‘Cause my turtle has just gone reckless as well. Love is in the air!
• #16:
• Stranger: Let your thought run wildly through the dark crisp night.
• Me: Or, physically run through the dark crisp night. Naked!
• #17:
• Stranger: Anyone reading this is my bitch.
• Me: Nope. You’ve always been my bitch. As I tend to dream that you’re a female dog. Which is kinda strange.

Anonymous asked: How do I get to the moon, without calling NASA again? They don't answer my calls anymore...

I’m glad you asked. I can only imagine your despair and frustration - like when I’m told in a drive-thru that I’m not allowed there as long as I come there riding on a pink-painted goat. I think I’ll be able to help you out. Here’s what to do: 

1. Go to a grocery-store, and stock up on noodles - you’ll need A LOT of noodles for this. 

2. Cook the noodles.

3. Learn how to knit. If you’re not able to learn it in any other way, locate a nursing home and ask some of the old folks there to teach you. If they refuse, bribe them with crystal meth. Old people LOVE crystal meth!

4. Take a nap together with the old people. They should be tired after all the knitting - and crystal meth.

5. Knit the noodles together to one long noodle ladder.

6. Find a cannon with enough power to shoot the ladder to the moon. Pray that the noodles will be sticky enough to stick to the moon.

7. If successful, you should now have one long noodle-ladder to the moon. Climb it. Soon you should find yourself on the moon. And, if you get hungry during the climb, you’ll have delicious noodles to eat! If not successful however, repeat step 1-6 (you can never learn to knit enough times!)

I hope this solves you problem. Best of luck.

/Fake Witzel